What Respect is

Respect, the R in the ROCK thru framework, leverages a definition that most people don’t expect. Instead of the stern “Respect is earned” adage, 100+ writings and research papers have guided me to a more productive meaning of this word. In the ROCK thru approach, Respect is “Intentionally showing each person that they are a valuable being, unconditionally.” It’s important to note upfront that the practice of this type of Respect does not mean that you unconditionally condone someone’s behavior or agree with them. Instead, it’s about recognizing everyone’s value as a human regardless of differences or similarities.

If the only way to get Respect is to “earn it,” review and judgment of another person are part of the process. Instead, we can proactively approach each person with a different kind of Respect, creating interactions that come from the understanding that all humans have value. Our interactions can be based on mutual humanness, even if we don’t agree with another person’s actions or views.

So instead of “Respect is earned,” the foundation of the ROCK thru framework is “Respect is for every being.”

Why Respect Matters?

Countless research studies support the human desire to be valuable to others. Our survival instincts hardwire us with the need to be accepted. Throughout human history, and even today, those with value are embraced and protected by their tribe or group. And those who are not valued are dismissed. Many groups have been cast aside in modern society, like those with a different socioeconomic status, gender identity, sexual orientation, or political affiliation. However, the fear of being an outcast impacts us all. This underlying fear is why we often have an inner conflict between what we feel we should do and what we want to do. We often spend our precious time, energy, and resources trying to achieve what marketing messages and social media influencers tell us success is. A few examples are when we go into debt to “keep up with the Jones,” forgo our passion job for one that pays better, or stay in toxic relationships.

In the book, Unleashing the Power of Respect, Dr. Joseph Shrand repeatedly illustrates that giving Respect deescalates even the most intensely emotionally charged person. Throughout his 25-year clinical psychiatry practice, Dr. Shrand has discovered that Respect makes people feel valued. When people feel valued, they feel trust. This trust leads to better problem solving, compromise, and overall relationships. We are encouraged by Dr. Shrand to create a world where Respect for others replaces the fear and shame of being socially discarded.

How to Apply Respect?

Like anything counter to our culture, valuing others unconditionally takes practice. It requires a mental shift from “you must earn my respect” to “you are a valuable being, regardless of our differences.” We are naturally more inclined to treat someone with whom we have strong, positive connections with Respect. On the other hand, treating someone different from us with Respect takes effort and intentionality.

Once we shift to interacting with people based on their absolute value, the rest falls into place. We naturally treat things with more care when we value them. Material examples are the car that we worked hard to earn or a one-of-a-kind family heirloom. Knowing that every being has complex fears and challenges that drive their behavior allows us to meet people with empathy. When someone is feeling understood, they are more willing to understand. When someone feels heard, they are eager to hear. When someone feels valued, they stop defending themselves and start problem-solving.

All types of interactions can benefit from Respect. Here are a few examples:

1. Everyday interactions:

You are on the phone with your partner as you approach the grocery checkout line. When you see the cashier, you remind yourself, “Every person is a valuable being, unconditionally.” Then, you ask your partner if you can call them back after you check out so you can interact with the cashier.

2. Problem-solving Interactions:

A colleague is adamant about taking a project in a direction you disagree with. Before speaking, you say to yourself, “She is a valuable being, unconditionally.” You listen intently to her approach. Seeking understanding, you ask questions. Your tone is thoughtful. Your colleague feels heard and understood and is more open to hearing another perspective.

3. Connection-building interactions:

We often take those we love the most for granted in our busy lives. Yet, when intentionally applying Respect in our most meaningful relationships, our actions say, “I value you every day.” Everyone wants to know that they are valued unconditionally.

Your kiddo bursts into the kitchen after school as you are making dinner. He begins to tell you about his day. You say to yourself, “He is a valuable being, unconditionally.” You pause chopping vegetables and give him your undivided attention for five minutes. Then you ask him if you can pick up the conversation during dinner so that you can finish preparations. 

4. Inner peace interactions:

Each morning when you wake up, you remind yourself, “I am a valuable being, unconditionally.” Later in the day, you pass a mirror and notice fine wrinkles forming around your mouth. For a moment, your thoughts begin to take you to a berating mind-space, annoyed with the evidence of aging. Then, reminded of your morning ritual, you pause with a content smile, grateful that those laugh lines signify your joy-filled life.

Getting Started

To begin to apply Respect to your life, here are a few ways to get started:

Let this be your daily mantra: “Respect is for every being.” Infuse your everyday life with regular reminders in places you frequent. Three easy ways to do this are:

• a post-it note on your bathroom mirror
• a lock screen on your phone (download a free digital screen graphic here)
• included in your daily prayer or meditation ritual if you have one.

Practice in intentional ways. For example, when heading out to grab a few items for dinner, you can say to yourself, “I’m going to the grocery store. From when I leave home to when I return, I’ll try to make my actions towards every person reflect that they each have value, regardless of their actions.

Putting these two applications into practice will begin to alter your approach to people, changing their reactions to you and how you feel about yourself. As a result, you’ll feel less stress and more contentment.

When treating all people with value in day-to-day situations becomes a natural way of interacting with others, you’ll be able to apply the same Respect when friction arises. You’ll know when it happens for the first time because you’ll likely be pleasantly surprised by your initial reaction during the conflict. Likewise, your response may also surprise the person you are interacting with. By initiating Respect at the beginning of a challenge, you’ve set up the situation for compromise and problem-solving.

Source

Joseph Aaron Shrand, MD. Unleashing the Power of Respect: The I-M Approach. 2022. Print.