It was a beautiful Autumn day when I realized how much we move through life covered in the cloak of “everything is fine.” And how much courage it takes for us to be real with each other.
The air was crisp as it nudged the colorful leaves from the trees. I was in my backyard letting the dogs out and getting a few moments of precious sunshine between video conference meetings. I looked upward and took a step forward out of the shade to find the rays to warm my face. Then, I felt an awkward squish beneath my left Birkenstock. A rank smell followed, revealing that I had stepped in dog crap.
This is sometimes the way life goes. Unexpectedly, shit interrupts our lovely life’s cadence. There is an infinite list of challenges that can occur over our lifetime. A few that come to mind fall into one of two categories: situations when we feel the pain of loss and others when we feel the pain of gain. Lost job, spouse, child, pet, career opportunity. Newfound illness, addiction, debt, caregiver burden.
Shit happens. Why do we pretend it doesn’t?
Stepping out of my shoes, I leave them outside before I go back to sit at my desk to log into the virtual meeting. While my colleagues and I are exchanging pleasantries and waiting for others to join, I get a whiff of the miss-step aftermath on the other side of my office door. I turn off my camera, open the door, and kick the Birk to give some distance from the distracting smell. With the dung-laden shoe now in the middle of my yard, I rejoin the conversation. Colleagues are talking about recent trips, their weekend plans, and funny pet antics. I start to notice that no one shares anything about their challenges. And I don’t share that I just stepped in dog poop. I wonder who on the call is quietly suffering. Is anyone stressed with their kids’ remote schooling, awaiting medical test results, contemplating a life changing decision?
Kicking my shoe away is much like how we distance ourselves and others from the crap in our lives. After all, out of sight, out of mind. Unfortunately, this approach is not without consequence.
An article in Psychology Today describes the repercussion this way, “What often comes with this maneuvering [hiding our problems] is a loss of connection and intimacy. If others close to us only know our persona, our “safe” self, and we hide our vulnerabilities, we actually are unknown; we do become alone in the world.”
When we hide our true selves to protect from judgment, we actually lose the Connection that we so desperately need and desire. Conversely, being real strengthens both Respect and Connection between people.
3 reasons to be authentic when life gets real
At any given time, we all have varying degrees of shit in our lives. Sometimes it’s a little on the bottom of our shoe, and other times, it feels like we’re covered. Regardless, it’s time we normalize the challenges. Each of us has crap that appears in our life. And, we can all benefit from the support of others if we could just be honest in our darkest moments.
I’ve grown to understand that although not easy, there are three main benefits from being transparent during life’s shit storms:
You get the help and support that you need:
If you ask for help, most true friends are willing to do whatever they can to support you. If you don’t ask for help, others won’t even know that you need it.
You allow others to get the support that they need:
When people don’t know your story, they don’t know that they can turn to you for practical advice when they find themselves in a similar situation.
You prepare yourself to act with genuine compassion in the future:
We often need a reminder of our frailty to keep our hearts tender and empathetic towards others. Transparency makes the gravity of a challenge stick in our memory more deeply. Then we are more willing and able to provide others genuine support. This anonymous quote sums it up well, “Forget what hurt you but never forget what it taught you.”
Inspiration from a really real social post
Often when I’m writing a blog post, relevant topics or examples appear in my daily life. This is precisely why I write ROCK thru. Because I want to deeply recognize and experience the four ROCK principles in my life (Respect, Ownership, Connection, and Kindness). Without this conscious approach, I would not have the intentional focus that, quite frankly, I need to keep me grounded.
Recently, this plea for support and non-judgment during a shitty time appeared in my social feed. One of my favorite things about this friend is how honest she is with her hopes and disappointments. We certainly could use a lot more of this kind of Ownership and Connection:
When I reached out to ask permission to include her post, she also explained how people usually react to her raw and genuine posts. Some who have had a similar experience will indeed reach out to offer support. But most often, they will do so through direct message, not in the post feed for all to see. She likened it to being like a “zoo creature.” People like to stare but don’t dare get in the cage with her for others to see. It’s a harsh confirmation of just how afraid we are to share our shit. Knowing that people react either in silence or in a private conversation, I’ve added courage to the list of reasons why I adore this friend. She keeps it real in both good and bad times.
Here’s how the R.O.C.K principles can help to share the shit
Respect
Trust those who have come to earn your Respect with your genuine need. Respect yourself and the person you’d like to be transparent with by first asking for a commitment to keep your situation confidential. After all, you can’t expect confidentiality unless someone has committed to it first. It could sound something like this, “I’ve come to trust you and have something that I’d like to share and get your input on. It’s rather personal, so, before I do, I’d like to ask that you keep the details of our conversation between us.”
Ownership
Before you share your need with someone, it may be most productive for you to have a good self-understanding of all aspects of the situation. Be thoughtful and gather your truths.
What’s the problem?
How did you contribute?
How do you feel others contributed?
What are you trying to achieve?
This last one is critical. You may not want a solution right now and may only want to vent. If that’s the case, let the other person know that you’re not ready for advice but just need to let it all out. This is especially important if you connect with a problem-solver like me. I want to fix things and make them better. If you don’t tell me that you only want to vent, you’re going to be very frustrated when I start spewing out what I think are great ideas to solve your problem.
Connection
First, connect with yourself, honestly, through Ownership. (There’s a lot of overlap of the four ROCK principles). It’s not about self-criticism or judgment. It’s about connecting deeply enough with yourself to get a handle on the truths. If connecting with yourself to better understand the situation’s facts feels too overwhelming, then Connection with another can help. It can sound something like, “I’m a mess and can’t even think straight to sort out the problem. Is that something you can help me with?”
If you don’t have someone you feel can help you with this, consider Connection with a therapist. It’s their job to help people sort through challenging aspects of life without judgment.
When you bring your crap to others, you can deal with it together. When you leverage the knowledge and empathy of others, you can feel strengthened and empowered.
Kindness
Be kind to yourself while trying to be genuine. Authenticity is not easy. If you’re in a difficult situation, you may have contributed to get there. But set that aside because beating yourself up about it won’t help you move forward. If someone else contributed to your situation, try to offer them Kindness, at least in your mind and heart. Holding on to anger is like an anchor, and that heavy weight will hold you back.
Lighten the load
Imagine if we R.O.C.K. thru life’s shit by being real, both online and in-person. What if we are open about our problems and seek advice from others? And what if we show up for others during their shit with deep empathy and without judgment?
Share your shit. When you do, life’s crap won’t immediately flush away. But the load will be more manageable when it’s dealt with together.
ROCK thru by sharing your shit! XO ~Lee
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