ROCK thru when a friend lets you down
by Lee Havenga | November 30, 2023
You excitedly share news of a personal achievement with a friend, believing they’ll celebrate your success wholeheartedly. Instead, their response is lukewarm, lacking the enthusiasm you anticipated. The pang of disappointment is a familiar feeling when those we trust fall short of our expectations. The spectrum of possible letdowns is vast, whether it’s your friend brushing off your accomplishments, canceling plans (again), or breaking a promise or confidentiality with something sensitive you shared. In these moments, the ROCK thru principles emerge as steadfast allies, guiding us through the complexities of disappointment toward emotional well-being and wise decision-making.
Several years ago, in my quest to overcome personal adversity and find contentment, I recognized the four ROCK thru principles interwoven in more than one hundred books, philosophies, and scientific studies. As we turn to expert experience to learn how to ROCK thru when a friend lets us down, we also find the four principles in the insightful wisdom of Melanie Greenberg, Ph.D., in her Psychology Today article, 6 Ways to Take Care of Yourself When People Disappoint You.
Friends are people, not perfect, and neither are you.
RESPECT
Apply it
1. Acknowledge Your Feelings
Grant yourself the grace to recognize the emotional impact of betrayal. Acknowledging these feelings aligns with the principle of Respect, as it involves valuing your emotional well-being.
Why it works: Suppressing emotions may lead to passive resentment. Acknowledging and expressing your feelings prevents them from gaining undue power and empowers you to navigate disappointment more authentically.
2. Acknowledge Your Unmet Needs
Dive into the core of disappointment and identify the unmet needs triggering your emotions. This action resonates with Respect, as it involves valuing and addressing your own needs, an essential aspect of self-respect.
Why it works: Understanding unmet needs, perhaps even tracing back to emotional neglect in childhood, helps make informed decisions and navigate disappointment with a balanced perspective. Recognizing and addressing these needs is an act of self-compassion.
OWNERSHIP
Apply it
3. Take Care of Yourself
In the face of intentional letdowns, embrace the opportunity to meet your needs independently. This proactive self-care embodies Ownership, as it demonstrates taking responsibility for your well-being and responding to disappointment in a balanced way.
Why it works: Proactively meeting your own needs fosters a healthier mindset and prevents dwelling in resentment. It’s a tangible way of asserting control over your emotional state and well-being.
4. Decide if you Need to Speak Up
Consider the productivity of addressing the intentional letdown, assessing your motives, and the potential outcome of different approaches. Mindful communication, aligned with Ownership, involves taking charge of the situation and expressing your feelings constructively.
Why it works: Mindful communication, coupled with Respect for the other person, increases the chances of a constructive dialogue, fostering understanding and resolution. Speaking up is an active step toward resolving conflicts and clarifying expectations.
CONNECTION
Apply it
5. Examine your Expectations
Evaluate the realism of your expectations and communicate them clearly. Adjusting expectations aligns with the principle of Connection, as it involves understanding the other person’s perspective and fostering a healthier connection or deciding to disconnect.
Why it works: Adjusting expectations and assuming goodwill prevents unnecessary strain, contributing to a healthier Connection. It allows for a more realistic and harmonious understanding of the relationship dynamics.
KINDNESS
Apply it
6. Set Boundaries if you Need to
In cases of repeated betrayal, evaluate the need for protective boundaries. Setting boundaries is an act of Kindness to yourself, demonstrating a generous consideration for your emotional well-being.
Why it works: Setting boundaries safeguards emotional well-being and acts upon self-Respect. It establishes clear guidelines for acceptable behavior, fostering a more respectful and considerate relationship.
Now, you’re ready to master the art of resilience in navigating friendship disappointments. Armed with the tools to acknowledge your feelings, nurture self-Kindness, and set clear boundaries, you’re well-equipped to ROCK thru and navigate the twists and turns of meaningful connections.
XO ~ Lee
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