ROCK thru when your friend is hurting themselves or others
by Lee Havenga | December 14, 2023
We’ve all faced that uneasy moment when we notice a friend’s actions negatively affecting themselves or those around them. It’s like standing at the edge of a diving board, unsure whether to plunge into the depths of a difficult conversation or retreat to safer waters. Whether it’s their constant procrastination creating stress in their lives, their tendency to gossip causing rifts in friendships, or their harsh criticism affecting their children, deep inside, we know that a courageous conversation can help them become aware of challenges they may be causing.
I drew guidance to apply the ROCK thru principles from the wisdom in the Forbes article, “5 Steps To Have A Hard Conversation To Improve Your Friendship,” by a clinical psychologist. Dr. Arianna Brandolini. She describes being brave enough to have an intentional and thoughtful conversation to help your friend as an “active investment” in them and their well-being.
A courageous conversation shows you love someone enough to invest momentary discomfort for their long-term benefit.
RESPECT
Apply it
1. Show Unconditional Value
Start by acknowledging your friend’s worth despite the issue at hand. Highlight positive aspects of your relationship to soften the impact of your concerns. This approach fosters mutual Respect and opens the door for a constructive conversation.
2. Affirm Their Perspective
During the conversation, validate your friend’s perspective. This doesn’t mean you agree with their behavior, but understanding their point of view creates a foundation for respectful dialogue. It’s about building bridges, not walls.
OWNERSHIP
Apply it
3. Understand Root Causes
Take Ownership by digging into the root causes of your friend’s behavior. This proactive approach helps you grasp the bigger picture and frames your concerns within a broader context. It’s about seeking understanding before seeking change.
4. Express Personal Impact
When addressing the issue, use “I” statements to express how their behavior impacts you personally. This shifts the focus from blaming to sharing your feelings, fostering a more receptive atmosphere for change.
CONNECTION
Apply it
5. Celebrate Past Bonds
Begin the conversation by reminiscing about positive experiences you’ve shared. This reinforces your Connection and reminds both of you of the value your friendship holds. It sets a collaborative tone for the discussion.
6. Express Concern, Not Criticism
When raising concerns, emphasize that your intention is to strengthen the friendship, not criticize. This subtle shift in approach maintains a positive Connection and encourages your friend to be receptive to change.
KINDNESS
Apply it
7. Offer Support
Convey your willingness to support them through any challenges they may be facing. This shows empathy and Kindness, making the conversation a joint effort to overcome obstacles.
8. Frame Suggestions Positively
If asked for suggestions, frame them in a positive light. Instead of focusing on what needs to stop, highlight what can begin. This fosters a sense of growth and improvement, making your friend more likely to embrace change.
Difficult conversations require courage, empathy, and a commitment to your friend’s well-being. Dr. Brandolini’s insights guide us in navigating these conversations as active investments, aligning seamlessly with the ROCK thru principles. Embrace these principles, approach challenging discussions with Respect, Ownership, Connection, and Kindness, and be a friend who cares enough to confront with love. XO ~ Lee
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