ROCK thru disagreements with receptiveness
by Lee Havenga | November 10, 2022
Science confirms what we all feel—we all want to be heard.
Julia Minson, Associate Professor of Public Policy at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government, teaches the art and science of ‘conversational receptiveness.’ Her team has found techniques to make conversations more effective, especially disagreements. The four methods make the acronym H.E.A.R.
To illustrate the techniques, you’ll see examples in yellow based on this scenario: A couple has differing opinions about attending their friends’ destination wedding that doesn’t fit into their budget.
CONNECTION
HEDGE
Use softer introductions to hedge your suggestions, and the other person will be more open to receiving them. For example, begin offering guidance or ideas with words like “perhaps, maybe, or sometimes” instead of “I think we should…” or “Why don’t you ….”
“Maybe we can cut back on a few expenses to save money for the trip.”
“Sometimes I put streaming services on pause to save for other things.”
“Perhaps together, we can look for areas we can trim for a little while.”
EMPHASIZE AGREEMENT
There is always common ground among us. Bringing areas of synergy into the conversation reminds both people that the divide is doable. This approach lessens tension and heightens reciprocity.
“We love to travel, and Costa Rica is on both of our bucket lists.”
“I agree that we want to avoid putting the trip on our credit cards.”
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
Play back the opposing perspective. This confirms that you have been investing in the discussion and you understand their position. We all want our point of view to be understood. If you feel like you need help understanding, ask questions until you can confidently verbalize the other person’s opinion.
“I’m hearing that you are concerned about using our savings for this trip.”
“I understand that using our savings could leave us in a financial bind if an unexpected expense arises.”
“I want to know more about how you feel about our current financial situation.”
“Tell me more about your concerns about temporarily cutting our spending in some areas to be able to afford it.”
REFRAME TO A POSITIVE:
Before you share a negative feeling, flip it to its positive side. This reduces the negative energy in the conversation and any feelings of attack or blame.
The reframed version of “I hate it when we miss fun events” can be:
“I am so happy when we spend time with our friends and share special occasions with them.”
“I am excited to explore a new place with you.”
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