ROCK thru after an argument
by Lee Havenga | June 15, 2023
My therapist, Jennifer, advised me to address the impact of my words before the intent. A few days before, I had a disagreement with my husband, Brett, when he misinterpreted something I said. Instead of trying to understand his feelings, I focused on explaining my intention. Jennifer helped me realize that I failed to acknowledge the impact of my words on Brett. (Sorry, babe.) It didn’t matter if I meant well; Brett had valid emotions that I overlooked.
Every day I strive to apply the four principles of ROCK thru, but I’m not always perfect at it. Although these principles provide an excellent framework for living a content life, being human, I don’t always live up to them. But there is great value in applying the principles to learn and grow from mistakes.
Silence ego’s whispers to hear wisdom.
RESPECT
Apply it
- Respect self by letting go of the need to be right and embracing your unconditional value. This shift from a fixed mindset to a growth mindset, influenced by Carol S. Dweck’s work in her book “Mindset,” allowed me to focus on a journey for continual improvement. (Watch this 2-minute video for an explanation of growth mindset.)
- Respect others, especially in times of conflict, by recognizing their unconditional value. I realized that Brett deserves my time and effort to understand our disagreement and improve our communication in the future.
OWNERSHIP
Apply it
Seek a therapist’s perspective on the argument, providing a balanced view and approaching it with a growth mindset. I genuinely wanted her impartial input, not for her to side with me. To do this, I had to put aside my ego and take ownership by following the three A’s: becoming Aware of the need for a different perspective, taking Action to seek guidance, and Accepting her advice to incorporate it into future communications.
CONNECTION
Apply it
- Connect with self by pausing and reflecting on emotions. Instead of stewing in anger, I redirected my attention to my respect for Brett and my desire for a healthy relationship.
- Connect to Spirit, seeking wisdom from sources like the Bible to realign my mindset. Like this verse from Proverbs 14:29, “People with understanding control their anger; a hot temper shows great foolishness.” Although it would have been better to act upon this wisdom initially, I sought spiritual guidance to learn for the future.
- Connect with others by recognizing the value of additional perspective. We all have struggles, and I view a therapist as a professional guide in navigating life’s complexities. Jennifer brings a fresh point of view as an unbiased observer with extensive experience.
KINDNESS
Apply it
Show kindness by investing in relationships and getting to the root of conflicts. In our 30 years of marriage, there have been unresolved arguments that I failed to learn from. Looking back, this was actually unkind as it perpetuated the same patterns and outcomes.
My therapist’s advice to prioritize impact over intent, along with the ROCK thru principles, helped me grow personally and in my relationship with Brett. By embracing Respect, Ownership, Connection, and Kindness, I learned from my mistakes and strived for improvement in future interactions.
It’s never too late to ROCK thru! XO ~ Lee
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