Do you think we are coming to the end of a worldwide pandemic? Think again. Not to underplay COVID-19 effects on the world, but we have been living among another growing pandemic that has been taking lives worldwide for years, with no end in sight. The widespread disease? Stress.
The American Institute of Stress shares two startling data points:
77% of people in the U.S. experience stress that affects their physical health
73% of people in the U.S. have stress that impacts their mental health
According to these statistics, stress is affecting the physical and mental states of most of us. Clearly, this is not a sustainable, healthy, or purposeful way to live. At one point in my life, not too long ago, I too fell into this majority. As a matter of fact, stress significantly contributed to a debilitating and incurable auto-immune disease diagnosis.
It took diagnosis with M.S. and a whirlwind of personal challenges to realize that I needed an alternative approach to life. At that point, my life literally depended on me finding a sustainable way to avoid and manage stress. Read on to learn how I combine four simple principles to R.O.C.K. thru and stay calm even in the most stressful situations.
Important note: When I am referring to stressful situations, I am not referring to forms of abuse. Please seek professional support immediately if you are in a physically, emotionally, or mentally abusive environment. At the end of this article, you will find a list of hotline numbers for reference.
Stay calm by staying grounded
Stress is like a storm
Imagine you’re outside in a hurricane. You are trying to make forward movement, but non-stop gusts of winds constantly threaten to push you over. Your face is stinging from the collection of pelleted raindrops. Each step is treacherous with no forward progress and no end in sight. You fall and desperately try to get up.
This is how stress can feel. Out of control. Relentless. Unending.
Now, imagine standing tall in that same hurricane. The wind and rain pass right by with little impact on you. You handle the outside elements like a mighty oak with deeply anchored roots during the storm. You stay calm. Strong. Confident. Unmoved.
According to Medical News Today, stress is a natural feeling of not being able to cope with specific demands and events. And stress can become a chronic condition if a person does not take steps to manage it.
Stay calm to calm the storm
So how can stress be managed? How can you grow the roots necessary to weather the storms?
It’s important to know that when I am referring to “staying calm,” I’m not saying that you won’t be feeling powerful and difficult emotions like frustration, anger, and sometimes deep hurt. However, I am urging you to control your actions as much as possible during these emotions so that you can go through the four R.O.C.K. principles. Depending on the situation, this could take five seconds, five minutes, five hours, or even five days. When you stay calm and control your actions, you aren’t swept away by intense emotions. This allows you to then take steps to calm the storm.
After several years of self-discovery and secondary research, I found that combining the four R.O.C.K. tenants keeps me calm and grounded in stormy life situations. This was an immediate benefit for me, especially since stress was a significant trigger for M.S. relapses. As I continued to leverage the principles in many different life situations, I also discovered that this method helps me come to solutions more quickly.
Respect, Ownership, Connection, and Kindness, the principles that make up the R.O.C.K. thru acronym, are now my foundational roots. Next, I’ll go through the tenets and a real-life scenario so that you can see how each can be applied. For better context, you may want to jump to the end to view the infographic, where you’ll see the entire scenario played out and then come back to read the details.
Storm scenario
For simplicity’s sake, let’s use a basic, everyday scenario where feelings of frustration could occur: It’s a Saturday morning, and you’ve got a spring in your step at the grocery store. You woke up early to get a jump on your long to-do list that you need to get done. You’ve worked all week and have plans to help a friend tomorrow so, today’s the only day to get all of your errands done before the work week begins again. You’re energized that you have a cart full of food for the week, and it’s only 9 a.m. You arrive at the checkout line at the grocery store at the same time as a woman and her son. You graciously offer to let her go first. You unload your groceries on the conveyer and then look at your phone to plan your next stop. After a while, you realize that the line has stopped moving forward. When you look up, you notice the woman’s groceries are all scanned and in bags, but the boy is gone. The woman turns to you and says, “I forgot something, so I sent my son to go get it. He’ll be right back.” One minute more goes by. Then two more minutes. With each passing moment, annoyance increases. You think, “Where is that kid? Could she not have finished this transaction and gone to the self-checkout for the one straggling item? I’d go to a different line but all of my groceries are already unloaded. She is so inconsiderate.”
With that scenario in mind, let’s see how we can ROCK thru to be rooted to stay calm and calm the storm.
Grounding Root #1: Respect
Stay Calm with Respect
When in a stressful situation and feelings of frustration or anger begin to bubble up, immediately go to the fundamentals of Respect. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and first remind yourself of the Respect you have for yourself and the emotions that you are having.
Using the scenario as an example, it can sound like this, “I feel myself getting frustrated with this situation. I Respect myself and my values, so I’m going to stay calm in this stormy moment.”
Self-Respect
To stay calm with self-respect, you first need to have it. As I began my journey to wellness, I was transformed by practicing self-respect. Admittedly, it wasn’t something that came naturally to me. However, it was the most critical driver of my emotional and physical healing. I’ve built up my self-respect muscle and now go into each day with high self-value. Self-worth is the most vital root to ground yourself with. When you have strong feelings of worth, it is less likely that you’ll be emotionally tossed to and fro by desperation, attention-seeking, and people-pleasing. You’ll remain calmer, and when a situation does escalate, your emotions and self-respect will get you grounded more quickly. You deserve to promptly resolve the stress because it’s not worth your time or energy to get stuck in it. For more on Self-Respect, see this quick-read LifeHack.org article on building self-esteem. It’s one of the best summaries I’ve come across that hits directly on issues that contribute to low self-worth.
Calm the Storm with Respect for others
Let’s face it, if we lived alone on a deserted island, our ability to stay calm would be much easier. Although interactions with others can be a source of joy, they are also one of our greatest sources of pain. But when there is conflict, leading with Respect can be the single most important factor to reorient to a solution most quickly. Respect is a significant aspect of Wallace Marshall’s resolution framework from the Do No Harm Project, which has been in development for more than 20 years. Marshall explains, “Respect is fundamental for successful human interaction. All of our work proceeds more effectively and successfully when we work with Respect.” When a person feels Respect from you, they are more likely to reciprocate that Respect getting you both on an equal level for resolution.
In our scenario, it might look like this: “I Respect this woman as a person. I don’t Respect her decision to hold up the line. Her actions feel disrespectful to me and my time.”
Grounding Root #2: Ownership
Stay Calm with Ownership
Many times we elevate a situation unnecessarily. Our emotions get the best of us, and we are in full reaction mode. To avoid this escalation, immediately remind yourself that you control your actions that may be sparked by frustration. Take another deep breath and remind yourself that because you are being intentionally conscious, you have Ownership over your emotions and actions.
The scenario may play out like this in your mind, “I’m frustrated, but I’m not going to lose my shit. I’m going to stay calm.”
Calm the Storm with Ownership
As soon as you’re able, ground yourself in the truths of a situation so you can take more clear action. The first step is to have the most objective point of view possible. In a deeper conflict, it is best to write down what you believe to be the truths of the situation from all points of view. One of the most liberating parts of Ownership is understanding what you own and what you don’t. You must take responsibility for your actions, but it’s also critical that you don’t take responsibility for someone else’s. This can be so freeing and vital to get to a mental place where you can let go of the anger, anxiety, and frustration that keep you stressed.
The sooner you can do this, the sooner you’ll get to a state of calmness. Then once you accept these truths, you can take action based on this well-rounded view of the situation. To learn more about the Ownership, read more in this article that provides an overview of each of the principles.
In our scenario, it might look like this: “The only thing that I own in this situation is my reaction. I can either be patient and use this time to do something on my phone, consider this time a gift to be still, or take action. I really need to get going, so I take action. I smile and respectfully ask the cashier if he can suspend or finalize the woman’s transaction so that he can begin with my transaction.”
Grounding Root #3: Connection
Stay Calm with Connection
To stay calm in a situation that has you stressed out, you often won’t have a trusted source available to reach out to. And obviously, not every case, like our simple scenario, requires or warrants Connection with another person to provide a different perspective. In our simple scenario, you will likely be the person you need to check in with to stay calm. Doing this is the easiest way to quickly become conscious enough to call out your emotions, and it will likely come before Respect. Of course, this takes some practice. When I began to simply recognize and name my feelings, it was like kryptonite, immediately rendering them less powerful.
In our scenario, Connection with self can look like this: “I can feel my blood pressure rising and my face getting flush. I’m getting frustrated.”
In these situations, another source of Connection to stay calm is to Connect with a higher power. One advantage of having a relationship with whomever you may call God is to provide in-the-moment strength and guidance. It is our actions in the small moments that exercise our character and actions in preparation for the big moments. In the grocery store example, this is how it may play out, “God, I’m looking to you to give me the strength and patience at this moment.”
Calm the Storm with Connection
In a complex situation, you can begin to solve the problem by connecting with another person when there is more time. A scientific literature review conducted by Stanford Medicine’s Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education showed how feelings of trust, safety, and comfort lower the body’s stress-related responses. Connection with the right person can immediately bring your stress levels down. But, choose wisely. Ensure that Connection is with someone who will let you vent for a reasonable amount of time and provide honest subjective input.
A little venting can help you sort out your feelings instead of keeping them inside. It’s like opening the vent on a pressure cooker and letting all the steam out. That release of the pressure can make you feel relieved and more grounded. But don’t stay in that mode too long since it’s essential to get to the truths of Ownership (described above) quickly. To ensure the venting doesn’t get too carried away, you may even want to start by saying, “I need 10 minutes to vent, and then I could really use your unbiased input on the situation, even in areas where I could have done better.”
Ownership and Connection are intertwined here. If you ask for another perspective, you must be genuinely open to hearing it. To benefit from Connection, you must be willing to have a well-rounded perspective to list the truths within the Ownership pillar. It’s not fair to ask someone to give you a view of your situation and then get upset when they share an insight that you may not want to hear. You can ask for distance if a truth is hard to swallow, but be sure not to get upset or debate with the person you asked to provide input. Give yourself time to take any challenging information in without reacting. You could end the conversation and say, “Thanks for your input. You’ve given me a great perspective. Some of that was difficult to hear, but I appreciate your honesty. I need some time to process it all.”
Grounding Root #4: Kindness
Stay Calm with Kindness
If someone is causing you frustration or anger, imparting Kindness to them is probably the last thing on your mind. And it was for me, too, until I began to utilize the four principles in my daily life. When I started to intentionally take more acts of Kindness, the power of Kindness utterly shocked me. Many research studies prove that actions of compassion have a profound effect on everyone involved, giver and receiver. Most people assume that the recipient of Kindness is the one who reaps the benefit. However, according to Christine Carter from the UC Berkeley Greater Good Science Center, “About half of participants in one study reported that they feel stronger and more energetic after helping others; many also reported feeling calmer and less depressed, with increased feelings of self-worth.”
To stay calm in our scenario, Kindness could first be simply giving the woman generous thoughts: “I’m going to intentionally give this woman the benefit of the doubt. She may be in the midst of a major life trauma or an inconceivable challenge. She did give me a sincere apology, and she is probably just as annoyed that it is taking her son so long.”
When you feel another person has done something hurtful to you in more intense stressful situations, the same can apply. To stay calm, give them the benefit of the doubt and focus on their positive qualities based on previous actions. After all, everyone makes mistakes, and they may even regret their actions that hurt you. Although incredibly difficult to do, keep in mind that thoughts of Kindness are for your benefit, not theirs. Anger and frustration are derived from elevated stress hormones. Short-term, as you bring down the cortisol (a stress hormone), your emotions can dissipate, and you stay calm. This is essential long-term since sustained levels of stress hormones contribute to many illnesses, like M.S. In one clinical study, participants that leveraged an emotional self-management program that included elements of Kindness had a 23% reduction of cortisol. This suggests that techniques designed to eliminate negative thought loops can have substantial, positive effects on stress. The study conclusion ends with this poignant summary, “Thus, individuals may have greater control over their minds, bodies, and health than previously suspected.”
Calm the Storm with Kindness for others
If you’ve wholeheartedly embraced the Ownership principle, you will have a clear idea of what actions you own and what you don’t.
When dealing with stressful situations, Kindness can come in the form of forgiveness. If you’ve uncovered actions that you wish you would have done differently during Ownership, take note and grow. Forgive yourself, perhaps even ask for forgiveness from another person, and move on. Let me repeat that last part…move on! You cannot harbor negative feelings towards yourself and also be healthy.
Just as you can’t hold negative emotions about yourself and also be healthy, the same holds true for withholding negative feelings towards someone else. This is incredibly difficult, but your health depends on it. If you feel someone has done you harm, forgive them. This forgiveness does not need to involve the other person directly, but it must be within your heart.
What’s most important is that you let go of the negative emotions so that you can be free. In an article in Psychology Today, a physician who specializes in chronic pain healing takes it a step further, “The final step of forgiveness is generating deep compassion for the person or situation that hurt you.” He goes on to share, “Deep compassion will move your brain activity off of the pain circuits and create a wonderful chemical environment. Why would you not want to exist in this state?”
To calm the storm in the grocery store example, Kindness can be given with patience and a smile.
ROCK thru to calm
So, when you find yourself in a stressful situation that is raising intense winds of emotions, try to stay rooted by leveraging the four ROCK principles. Use Respect, Ownership, Connection, and Kindness to both stay calm and calm the storm. Doing this will keep your actions aligned to your values, lower your stress hormone levels, increase your health, and get you to solutions faster.
I understand that all of this may feel very overwhelming. It’s a new way of being. And indeed, when I began, it was difficult to sit with the big feelings without taking immediate action. I found it challenging to practice the self-awareness needed to weave the ROCK tenants into my life. Even today, as the principles are well integrated into my daily life, I need to be intentional about each principle. However, if you want less stress and more calm, it is totally worth it. My roots have grown deeper, and my stance steadier in life’s storms. My current state of contentment has literally saved my life. The journey has been arduous but worth every bit of diligence and effort.
As you begin to use the ROCK tenants to stay calm in stressful situations, I wish you endurance and self-acceptance. This is a marathon, my friend, not a sprint. So I urge you to continue to practice and seek contentment. Your health and happiness are at stake and are worth it. And if you get weary, know I’ll be rooting for you and keep this Malay proverb in mind: A tree with strong roots laughs at storms.
ROCK thru and stay calm! X.O. ~ Lee
Hotlines
If abuse is creating a stressful and unsafe situation, please consider seeking support at one of these U.S. hotlines or seek help in your local area:
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Victim Connect Resource Center
Want to know more about how to apply ROCK for your best life?
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