We’ve all been there. Tied up in daily life’s thoughts and busyness, you pull up to a red traffic light and come upon a panhandler. You catch a glimpse of the cardboard sign before your eyes dart away. If your heart hasn’t been completely calloused by the wrongs of life, you feel the pang of compassion in your heart. But judgment or excuses quickly step in with a myriad of negative assumptions and self-righteousness. Now, you’re conflicted. To avoid the uncomfortable feeling, your mind quickly refocuses on your to-do list or the song on the radio. Finally, the light turns green. You didn’t even realize that you were holding your breath until you let out a sigh of relief and drive through the intersection. Your mind rests in a much easier place called complacency. The moment is forgotten, on to checking off the next task on your to-do list.
Today, with over half a million people in the U.S. experiencing homelessness (82% of panhandlers are homeless), I am confident and content when I see a panhandler. However, it took the four ROCK thru tenants, an open mind and heart, and interaction with a panhandler to allow me to hone in on a guilt-free approach. Read on to see how Cindy taught me how to be both compassionate and smart when I see a panhandler.
The best way to respond to a panhandler:
2. Give the Respect that every human deserves.
3. Make a Connection when it’s safe.
4. Give Kindness in a way that aligns with your values.
5. Take Ownership of the realities of those in need.
1. Become aware of the need
It was an early July morning in Flagstaff, Arizona. The kind of day that isn’t too hot, but a breeze and the shade of a tree are welcomed and refreshing. Exactly a week before, I was returning home from a month-long stem cell therapy to treat M.S. The impact of the chemotherapy caused a forced slow down. I still did not have enough energy to return to work, so I filled my days with rest, reading, and one, maybe two, errands or small projects before resting again. This day’s tasks were getting keys made at the hardware store and filling my car with gasoline. As I exited the hardware store parking lot, I crossed the street to enter the gas station. I’m not sure if it was my slower than usual pace, a swelling of empathy as I finished treatment, or the words on the sign that made me stop. Of course, looking back, it was likely a combination of all three.
Not surprisingly, the “Got Kindness?” sign grabbed both my attention and heart as it touted one of the core ROCK principles. Indeed, there it was in black and white. This made me ask myself, “Do I have Kindness…or do I just write about it?” Then my gaze turned upward to see a woman about my age. Behind her, out of the sun and the focus of passersby, a young girl sat cross-legged under a tree. She looked content and enthralled in the pages of a book.
Because I was in the first stages of recovery, the effort it took just to get through the day slowed my usual zippy pace to more of a saunter. Not in a rush to get anywhere or do anything, I parked my car.
2. Give panhandlers the Respect that every human deserves
In the daylight and a well-populated area, I felt completely safe. I walked over and greeted the woman with eye contact, a smile, and a hello. The same was returned to me. If my interaction with Cindy had ended there, I would have already given her the most essential thing, Respect.
In the context of R.O.C.K., I define Respect, the R in the acronym, on a more intimate level: “admirable regard earned by a positive connection.” Because I had never met Cindy, I didn’t yet have enough information to determine Respect at a more intimate level. Even without this understanding, she deserves my Respect as a fellow human being. This can simply be given with direct eye contact, a smile, a compassionate expression, and a nod. When we give others this basic level of Respect, they feel seen and human. Everyone on this earth deserves to be treated like a person, not like a stray dog. Even if you decide not to give a panhandler anything tangible, you have given them the thing they seek the most, Respect. By acknowledging their existence they feel worthy of their space in the world. Isn’t that what we all crave?
3. Make a Connection with the panhandler when it’s safe
As if I was meeting a professional peer at a conference or a new neighbor at a block party, I approached Cindy seeking to understand who she was. Knowing that I wasn’t in any harm, I introduced myself and we began to talk. I learned part of her story, as much as you would expect to be able to discover about another person during a fifteen-minute chat. Cindy graduated from prestigious UMass (University of Massachusetts.) Once upon a time, she had the coveted corner office with direct reports and an assistant. She reached a point at the health and life insurance corporation when she could no longer ignore the deep feeling of being “morally drained.” I also met Lilly, Cindy’s 10-year-old daughter, who loves art and reading books. When I met her she was reading an illustrated guide on how to avoid nonsensical threatening situations. I’m happy to report that Lilly now knows precisely what to do should she encounter a snake posing as her toothbrush. Lilly also introduced me to Caramel, the stuffed cat whose birthday was in just a few days.
A few things became clear to me after talking with Cindy:
- Passing Cindy and Lilly up without knowing a bit about them would have added to my false assumptions about panhandlers. Uneducated, lazy, and addict are a few stereotypical terms that come to mind. Each panhandler has their own story. Likely, most were part of normal society until a series of circumstances and choices caused them to be in an unstable situation.
- From the little I know about Cindy, we have a lot of similarities. Maybe even more in common than differences.
- Meeting Cindy was a gift to me. Our Connection led me to grow with a softer heart, better understanding, and deeper empathy.
4. Give Kindness to panhandlers in a way that aligns with your values
After speaking with Cindy for a while, I asked her what her needs were. With humility and gratitude, she shared that she had food and a place to shower and sleep. What she needed was gasoline. Her faithful minivan was old and required a lot of gas to go even a short distance. I walked over to the gas pump. While Cindy was pulling her car over, I searched my wallet for my membership card, which was required to get fuel. My heart sank when I realized that my son had borrowed the card the night before. So there we were, embarrassed for our own reasons. Again, more alike than different. The attendant extended his own bit of Kindness and bypassed the system for us.
When Cindy began to pump, she asked, “How much should I put in?” At that moment, I flashed back to my young adult days when I would sometimes pay for gasoline, a few gallons at a time, in quarters and singles from my waitressing gig. I realized how long ago it had been since I couldn’t mindlessly fill my car and move on with my day. I’m grateful that fueling my vehicle is not a hardship. With thoughts of my fortunateness, I replied, “Fill it up.” Cindy replied with the capacity of the tank and asked if I was sure. Her concern about the amount made me even more certain and I replied, “Yes, please fill it up.”
It felt good to help Cindy. But make no mistake, it was a win-win situation. I gave her a few gallons of gas, and she gave me the opportunity to give. There are so many benefits to sharing time, energy, and dollars with others. Cleveland Clinic reports that some health benefits associated with giving can include:
- Lower blood pressure.
- Increased self-esteem.
- Less depression.
- Lower stress levels.
- Longer life.
- Greater happiness and satisfaction.
Considering the list above, Cindy certainly gave me more than I gave her.
5. Take Ownership of the reality of panhandlers
I am grateful that I had the opportunity to meet Cindy. However, it’s not realistic for me to stop and chat with every panhandler I see. Flagstaff’s moderate seasonal temperatures and vast amounts of public land make for a decent location for those who may not have a home.
My time with Cindy made me realize that I needed to investigate and have a stance on how I approach panhandlers in the future. I wanted to reconcile in my head and heart so I can take confident action. I grappled with this issue the same way I approach most other situations now that the four tenets of R.O.C.K. (Respect, Ownership, Connection, and Kindness) are a part of my being. Taking Ownership, I began to sort through the topic, starting with the first of three A’s (awareness, acceptance, and action.) Then, leaning into awareness, I did some research and soul searching to make this inventory of truths.
- Panhandling is a humbling survival reality for many in my community, nation, and world. You can use these links to learn more: find the homeless statistics in your state and understand the reality of a panhandler
- Compassion is part of what it means to be human.
- God, regardless of the religion (Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, and Judaism,) calls us to help those in need.
- People have to ask for help for an infinite number of reasons.
- I don’t know what those reasons are, and it doesn’t really matter to me.
- Like a hole someone has fallen into, it’s easy to get in and difficult to get out
- When I’ve been in difficult situations, my family and friends have helped me.
- I work hard and have sacrificed a lot for what I have earned.
- When I give money to a panhandler, I don’t know what they’ll do with the money.
- It’s important to me to not contribute to drug or alcohol use.
- If I’m prepared and intentional, there are ways that I can give that coincide with my values.
- There are organizations with expertise and services to help others with specific needs.
- Some organizations are mismanaged and have high operational expenses.
- Many panhandlers are Veterans. Some gave their health and mental stability so that others could have freedoms.
The next two A’s of Ownership, acceptance and action, can be difficult depending on the situation. In this case, it was easy for me to accept the devastating truths of panhandling. The next step is to take action. Of course, this is an individual journey with no right or wrong approach. I share with you the actions that I decided to take as an example, not to be boastful.
I have adopted two actions that help me be consistent and intentional in my approach to panhandlers. First, I set aside a specific amount of money to contribute on both individual and more significant levels:
I support local organizations that are best equipped to help those in need.
My dollars are stretched exponentially further when I give them to an organization that is best equipped and organized to provide the essentials to those in need. This includes home delivery services to homebound folks that are physically unable to panhandle but still hungry. Supporting local organizations ensures that my donations stay within my community. This also allows me to better understand their approach to ensure that their actions align with my values. For example, the Flagstaff Family Food Center accepts fresh produce donations from grocery stores and restaurants. Volunteers sort the fruits and vegetables, providing the highest quality food to their clients. The remaining gets set aside to feed animals. Nothing goes to waste, and this resonates with what is important to me.
Give Subway gift cards to individuals when it’s safe to do so
Giving Subway gift cards to the hungry is a great way to share on a one-on-one level. Subway checks all of my boxes on what’s important to me as I help others:
- Accessible: We have four Subways in Flagstaff, which can be conveniently accessed on any side of town. Two of them are close to popular panhandling intersections.
- Portable: A sandwich is easy to eat and carry on the go without requiring utensils or creating a lot of trash that may not be disposed of properly.
- Healthy: Subway offers the option to customize your sandwich with a large selection of fresh vegetables. This allows customers to choose something they like and has vitamins and minerals that are critical to our health.
- Non-alcoholic: I choose Subway instead of a grocery or convenience store because they do not sell alcohol or tobacco.
- Hygienic: Subway locations have restrooms so that all patrons can take care of basic human needs and wash up before eating.
Thank you, Cindy and Lilly
I look back on that July morning with deep gratitude. I’m so thankful that I took the time to meet Cindy and Lilly. They were the spark that made me sort out a long-time, unsettled feeling that made a lump in my throat each time I encountered a panhandler. I no longer look away, feeling unsure and guilty. Now, when I see a panhandler, I R.O.C.K. thru with confidence, knowing that my actions align with my values:
- Respect: I acknowledge their humanness with direct eye contact, a smile, and a nod.
- Ownership: I remind myself of the truths of the situation that provide me with a solid approach to my actions.
- Connection: When I am able, I stop and talk to panhandlers. I forever want to be reminded of their humanness and our similarities.
- Kindness: I give money to local organizations and gift cards for healthy food to specific people.
I am fully aware that this can be a controversial subject because we each approach charity in our own way. Therefore, I only ask you to consider approaching topics like this with the four ROCK principles at the forefront of your mind and heart and experience your own outcome.
In the meantime, thanks for being on this ROCK thru journey with me!
And, happy birthday to Caramel, the cat. XO ~ Lee
Let’s Discuss: What Do you Do When you See a Panhandler?
Dialogue on complex issues inspires me and others to grow. Therefore, feel free to respectfully comment here or on social media on how you approach panhandlers.
Of course, please comment with Respect and Kindness. For more information, review the Guidelines for Discussion.