What Connection is

The C in R.O.C.K. thru is Connection, defined as a “positive, reciprocal bond.” Positive Connections are scientifically proven crucial to our mental and physical well-being. The most prominent research studies the benefits of our Connection to others. However, two additional types of Connection demonstrate benefits to our well-being. They are Connection to yourself and Connection to Spirit. 

It’s helpful to think of the three types of Connection as three sides of a triangle pyramid. A point is created at the top when the three sides come together. This pinnacle is where strength and contentment lives. Building strong connections to all three, yourself, spirit, and others, is the trifecta to deep feelings of peace and joy.

Connection to self is the most important of the three types of Connection as it is an anchor for the other two. Cultivating a positive, reciprocal bond with ourselves is the most stabilizing thing we can do for our self-worth. When we know and love who we are, we create an authenticity that improves all aspects of our life. Entering each day with humble and unapologetic self-regard is a source of quiet strength that enables us to live contently. A strong self-connection is especially important in our commercialism-first world. It reminds us of the wisdom that marketing often makes us forget: 

• Buying things doesn’t make us feel complete. 
• Lotions and serums don’t make us feel whole. 
• We don’t need to be (blank) to be valued. Fill in the blank with any of the characteristics we often strive for: richer, smarter, skinnier, younger, prettier, funnier, etc.

When we create a robust inner Connection, a more meaningful version of ourselves emerges. Deepening Connections is a journey of uncovering our true self, not making it.

The second type is Connection to others. 

We have an innate need to be valued by others. Connection to others is closely linked to the ROCK thru definition of Respect, “intentionally showing each person that they are a valuable being, unconditionally.” As you become more familiar with the ROCK thru pillars, you’ll see how they are all interwoven. Another tightly related concept is how the focus on authenticity in self Connection relates to Connection to others. A person only feels truly valued if their authentic self is valued. This is why self-Connection is an essential foundation for contentment. If we can’t be ourselves, we will not know real Connection with others. This unconditional acceptance from others is a primal human need.

The last type of Connection is the Connection to spirit. 

Connection to spirit is part of what makes us human, separating us from other mammals. Most often, our human desire to understand our existence and purpose is what draws us to spirituality. Yet, as unique as humans are, so are the ways spirituality satisfies our search. For me, it’s a single God as the creator of the universe; for you, it may be the 33 gods of Hinduism; for another, it may be the marvel and science of the ocean. Although there are vast spiritual experiences, their similarity is the humbling wisdom of something bigger than ourselves. When we connect with spirit, regardless of how we uniquely experience it, we can feel a more profound sense of hope and meaning.

Why Connection matters

We know what it typically means to prosper in our world. High achievement, high wealth, and high fashion are often success marks. Unfortunately, in most cultures, emotional prosperity is less understood and valued. That is until, like me, your life abruptly changes and you hit an emotional hurdle so paralyzing that you can’t move forward without overcoming it. When we find ourselves in a devastating emotional state, it is always because we have invested time and energy into everything except for Connection. 

The cultivation of Connection is literally a matter of life or death. And it most certainly is a matter of quality of life. Hundreds of scientific research studies support our human need for the three types of Connection.

Here are just a few excerpts that support the three types of Connection:

• “If we spend time with ourselves, we understand ourselves and others better and understand the causes behind different behaviors.” This allows us to have more control over outcomes and become better masters of our own lives.¹
• People with a high religious involvement were likely to die older than their nonreligious counterparts.²
• Other research has pointed to the benefit of spiritual activity for those with cardiovascular disorders³, AIDS⁴, and several different cancers.^5,6,7
• Dr. Emma Seppala of the Stanford Center for Compassion and Altruism Research found that “social connectedness generates a positive feedback loop of social, emotional, and physical well-being.”⁸ Seppala also found that people who feel more connected show lower levels of anxious and depressive feelings, greater empathy for others, and also tend to be more cooperative and trusting.⁹

How to apply Connection

Positive, mutual bonds can be hard to create in a way that genuinely fuels us. To have meaningful Connections in our lives requires us to focus on two things: Cultivation and authenticity.

When we authentically cultivate the three types of Connection, we lay solid bricks for a smoother emotional and physical path ahead. Every genuine Connection is another sturdy brick. Conversely, without these Connections, even the tiny daily situations become challenging and emotionally draining.

Cultivating Connection with authenticity is a highly individual, lifelong practice. And each type of Connection looks different in each of our lives. The following statement can help us remember five things to do to get started, “Resource one, small, consistent, action that makes you feel good.” Because Connection to self is the cornerstone of holistic Connection, below is an example of how we can use the statement to begin to add self-Connection into our lives:

Resource

Set yourself up for success by investing time to plan for self-Connection. Read about hacks to more easily incorporate it. Consider leveraging technology to track progress or guide through the activity. For example, suppose meditation is a self-Connection activity you would like to try. In that case, there are many free guided meditations on YouTube. You can block time on your calendar and set a reminder on your phone. 

One

Choose just one type of Connection to begin cultivating: self, others, or spirit. Then choose just one way to incorporate it into your life. There are many ways to create a positive, reciprocal bond with yourself: 

• Meditation. 
• Focused breathing. 
• Mindfulness during an everyday task. 
• A sincere “I love you” to yourself each morning. 
• Gentle body stretches. 

Start with just one. After the first self-Connection practice becomes ingrained in our daily routine, we can add more.

Small

Add only a tiny shift in your lifestyle so that you can feel small victories. In the meditation example, start with a short, 5 minute meditation at first. Then gradually increase the time only to the point that it is beneficial and sustainable. This is an opportunity to ignore your inner overachiever. If you want to increase the activity duration or frequency, do so in another small increment. Keep every aspect of the experience positive, and it will be a life-long habit. Shame yourself for not doing enough, and you will not sustain the Connection you are trying to build.

Consistent

Commit to doing the action you choose as much as you can. Daily is best to feel the most impact. Don’t be harsh with yourself if you miss a day or two. Remember, we are striving to connect with ourselves in positive ways. Always encourage yourself and know that you are doing the best you can. Set and hold boundaries to create regular space and time to devote to yourself. In the case of meditation, choose a time that the least amount of impromptu conflicts will occur.

Feel-good action

Self-connection is a positive bond, not a rigid, forceful act. So whatever activity you choose to do, make sure that you enjoy it. Be empowered to make any adjustments so that it feels best for you. Do what creates a strong sense of contentment and worth, not what and how you think you ‘should’ be doing it. In our meditation example, if sitting cross-legged on a low cushion doesn’t feel good, consider laying down or sitting in a chair.

After a few weeks of applying “resources to one, small, consistent, feel-good action,” check-in with yourself. You’ll likely be feeling some positive benefits. Once you master that action, you can add another activity to deepen your self-Connection or try an activity that fosters your Connection with others or spirit. 

Connection is a life-long endeavor. So give yourself time, grace, and patience as you build and stand up each of the three sides of your Connection pyramid.

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Sources

1. Garima Sharma. “Why There Is A Need To Connect With Self?” Physologs. September 2020. https://www.psychologs.com/article/Why-There-Is-A-Need-To-Connect-With-Self. Accessed 1 July 2022.

2. McCullough, M. E., W. T. Hoyt, D. B. Larson, H. G. Koenig, and C. Thoresen. “Religious involvement and mortality: a meta-analytic review.” Health Psychol., v. 19, no. 3, 2000, pp. 211-222.

3. Matthews, D. A., M. E. McCullough, D. B. Larson, H. G. Koenig, J. P. Swyers, and M. G. Milano. “Religious commitment and health status: a review of the research and implications for family medicine.” Arch.Fam.Med., v. 7, no. 2, 1998, pp. 118-124.

4. Evans, D. L. et al., “Severe life stress as a predictor of early disease progression in HIV infection.” Am.J.Psychiatry, v. 154, no. 5, 1997, pp. 630-634.

5. Fehring, R. J., J. F. Miller, and C. Shaw. “Spiritual well-being, religiosity, hope, depression, and other mood states in elderly people coping with cancer.” Oncol.Nurs.Forum, v. 24, no. 4, 1997, pp. 663-671.

6. Lyon, J. L., J. W. Gardner, and D. W. West. “Cancer in Utah: risk by religion and place of residence.” J.Natl.Cancer Inst., v. 65, no. 5, 1980, pp. 1063-1071.

7.  Musick, M. A., H. G. Koenig, J. C. Hays, and H. J. Cohen, 1998, Religious activity and depression among community-dwelling elderly persons with cancer: the moderating effect of race.” J.Gerontol.B Psychol.Sci.Soc.Sci., v. 53, no. 4, 1998, pp. S218-S227.

8. Seppala, Emma. “Connectedness & Health: The Science of Social Connection.” Stanford Medicine. May 2014. Accessed 1 July 2022. http://ccare.stanford.edu/uncategorized/connectedness-health-the-science-of-social-connection-infographic. 9. Brody, Jane E. “Social Interaction Is Critical for Mental and Physical Health.” The New York Times. 12 June 2017. Accessed 1 July 2022.