ROCK thru by not being nice
by Lee Havenga | July 13, 2023
Kindness, one of the four ROCK thru principles, often sparks the question: what sets nice apart from kind? A recent incident at Forêt Flg, a local coffee shop/tea house with fantastic matcha lattes, sheds light on this distinction. Picture this: I’m in line, observing a customer, let’s call her Kate, who seems overwhelmed by the array of choices. The patient barista awaits Kate’s decision while she repeatedly changes her order, apologizing profusely each time.
Now, here’s where the contrast between niceness and Kindness becomes crystal clear. The barista is nice, maintaining a smile and reassuring Kate that it’s no trouble at all. However, as the line lengthens and frustrated murmurs grow, it becomes evident that the barista’s niceness isn’t benefiting Kate and is inconveniencing others. It’s not solving the problem and, instead, contributing to it.
At last, a regular customer ahead of me steps in. Let’s call her Sara. Sara approaches Kate with Kindness, offering assistance in making a decision. She patiently acknowledges Kate’s preferences and shares her own favorite drinks, narrowing the choices to a manageable few.
The difference is striking. While the barista’s niceness inadvertently causes delays, frustration and prolongs Kate’s indecisiveness, Sara’s Kindness brings harmony to the coffee shop. She is aware of Kate’s needs and the needs of those behind her in line. She finds a compassionate and efficient approach to help and provide a solution.
This incident serves as a reminder that true Kindness requires awareness, consideration, and the courage to take action. Here are a few more practical examples that illustrate the power of Kindness, inspiring us to be mindful of others’ needs and discover how Kindness can serve as a solution.
KINDNESS
In a world where we are taught to be nice, let us dare to be kind and make a meaningful difference.
Apply it
The Pretend Smile
Have you ever plastered on a fake smile and pretended everything was fine, even when, deep down, you were seething? That’s an example of being nice that can quickly turn into resentment. But Kindness takes awareness and action.
Apply it: Instead of bottling up your feelings, take a moment to acknowledge them. Then, find a gentle yet authentic way to communicate your thoughts and concerns without disregarding the other person’s perspective. Being kind means initiating open and honest communication.
The Big Favor
Being nice often involves saying “yes” to everyone’s requests, even if it means overextending yourself. But here’s the catch: always saying “yes” to others usually means saying “no” to yourself. On the other hand, Kindness means being aware of your own needs and limitations while still showing compassion towards others.
Apply it: Practice setting healthy boundaries by saying “no” when something doesn’t align with your values or when you need time for your own priorities. Remember, saying “no” doesn’t make you mean—it makes you wise. You’ve assessed the request and made your decision based on your values. (This, of course, requires you to be solid in your values. Check out this article and values list to get started.)
The Uncomfortable Truth
Sometimes, being nice means avoiding difficult conversations or avoiding the truth altogether. It’s like tiptoeing around eggshells, afraid to shatter the illusion of harmony. Kindness, however, takes courage. It means mustering up the bravery to address uncomfortable truths with empathy and compassion.
Apply it: The next time you encounter a situation that calls for an uncomfortable conversation, summon your inner Kindness warrior. Approach the discussion with empathy, active listening, and a genuine desire to find common ground.
The Deeper Compliment
Nice people often offer compliments to make others feel good, even if they don’t genuinely mean it. It’s like sprinkling salt on a cake—it might look sweet, like sugar, but it lacks authenticity. Kindness, on the other hand, involves offering genuine compliments that come from the heart.
Apply it: Practice giving heartfelt compliments by focusing on specific qualities or actions that truly inspire you. Forgo compliments that focus on physical appearances, like someone’s hair or clothes. Go deeper into characteristics that you admire. Your words will carry more weight, and the recipient will feel valued and appreciated for who they are, not what they look like.
The Silent Support
Being nice sometimes means not making waves, and staying silent, even when you witness injustice or mistreatment. It’s like hiding in the shadows, hoping someone else will take a stand. Kindness, however, calls for active support and allyship.
Apply it: Stand up for your beliefs, even if it means speaking out against popular opinion or challenging the status quo. Use your voice to amplify the marginalized, defend the voiceless, and create a more just and inclusive world.
As we navigate life, remember that being nice is different than being kind. Sometimes, being nice means sacrificing our values, authenticity, and even our own well-being. But imagine the kind of world we could create if we all embraced genuine Kindness—the type that sees and responds to the needs of ourselves and others.
So, let’s ROCK thru life with the power of Kindness. Set boundaries that protect your values and needs while uplifting and supporting those around you. Have those uncomfortable conversations, offer genuine compliments, and stand up for what you believe in.
With Kindness as our guide, we can create a world that celebrates authenticity, empathy, and compassion. XO ~ Lee
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