ROCK thru when life feels like a climb | Respect for others
by Lee Havenga | April 20, 2023
Conflict at work. Tension in friendships. Arguments at home. Are you ready to get to solutions faster and more quickly when interactions are depleting you? Apply these excerpts from the “ROCK thru when Life’s a Climb” workshop to show others Respect and create an environment for problem-solving.
RESPECT
We seem to have forgotten that we can be respectful and disagree at the same time.
Work to recognize that everyone has unconditional value
The ROCK thru definition of Respect, means intentionally showing every person they are valuable regardless of the situation or their behavior. This is a paradigm shift for most of us in our judgment-forward world. The trick is to recognize that every person has two things:
1. unconditional value as a human being
and
2. pain and fear that drive negative behavior
When we realize this and empathize with people’s deep-seated pain, we approach people, even the angry and bitchy ones, differently. Of course, this empathy doesn’t excuse poor behavior; it helps us recognize that insecurity always drives it. Seeing a person’s suffering instead of their toxic behavior allows us not to take their actions personally. This immediately disintegrates our initial emotional response so we can set boundaries and focus on solutions.
Apply it
Practice these three things to encounter an angry or difficult person with Respect and get to a solution faster.
1: See the pain, not the person
Try to envision the person as an abstract image of pain. For example, when I was first sorting out difficult issues in my life, this is the sort of image I drew to represent the complexity of the pain and hurt I was unraveling and seeing in the world around me:
When I began to bring this image to mind when encountering a challenging person, my attitude and behavior instantly changed to acting with compassion, not reaction. What does pain look like to you? Draw it. Imagine it. Bring it to mind the next time you engage with someone whose actions aren’t showing that you are valuable unconditionally.
2. Listen intently
Richard Carlson said it best in the book, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff…and it’s all small stuff:
“We all want our positions to be respected and understood by others. Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart.”
When we listen with the intent of truly understanding, the other person feels it and is more open to compromise. And we will learn a new perspective and also be more open to compromise.
3. Practice during the good times
When ROCKing thru, Respect for others is unconditional, in good times and bad. However, it isn’t easy to act with Respect if you don’t first practice without the intensity of emotions that emerge in challenging moments.
First, identify a person who regularly sparks frustration or negative feelings.
Then, each time you engage with them (in person, in text or email, or even when someone mentions their name), silently remind yourself, “They are valuable unconditionally.”
This will help you build Respect for them so that you can more easily draw on that Respect during the next conflict.
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