What Ownership is

Ownership is the O in ROCK thru and defined as “action based on a balanced perspective of the truth.” In its simplest description, Ownership is taking action after honest assessment. The Ownership process entails looking at the situation from different angles to gather the facts with an open mind and without judgment or blame. Ownership allows us to slow the momentum down, distance ourselves from our emotions, and take action based only on the facts. Depending on the situation, this process can take just moments for an everyday interaction or weeks if you’re trying to uncouple from trauma. It can be a proactive decision-making tool and a reactive problem-solving approach.

Ownership can be the most rewarding aspect of the ROCK thru approach and the most difficult. To feel the real benefit, it requires two things that can be a challenge to us: honesty with ourselves and courage. The more authentic you are, the faster and further you can move forward confidently and contently. You can think of it like a slingshot. The further you stretch the band back, the further the rock goes when you release it.

It’s not always easy, but acting with Ownership is monumentally rewarding. Sometimes it feels like you’ve been drug through the mud after working through Ownership on a daunting topic, but the clarity is freeing. Minor hiccups can be handled with grace and ease instead of causing frustration. Major adversity can be approached with reason and a clear plan to overcome it. Ownership can leave you feeling in control of your destiny and more content even when things don’t go as you had hoped.

Why Ownership matters

 “It’s hard to accept the truth when the lies are exactly what you wanted to hear.” ~ Anonymous.

We lie to ourselves all the time. It’s a coping mechanism, so we don’t need to face difficult situations. Sometimes we call these lies reasons, rationale, or excuses. But most of the time, they are so far out of our consciousness that we don’t call them anything, nor do we realize that these lies are holding us back. But they are. We stay stuck or repeat challenging situations when we don’t dare to face the truth.

The value of Ownership, like all of the ROCK thru principles, is steeped in scientific research. Here are a few data points that demonstrate the impact Ownership has on creating a meaningful life:

• “Deciding what’s true and what you should do” is crucial to growing your career, improving relationships, and making you happier.¹
• People who think rationally, in a goal-orientated way, experience fewer adverse life events such as contracting a sexually transmitted disease, being arrested for drunk driving, and being in financial debt.²
• More than 95% of a diverse public group say that “reflective thought that requires reasoning, logic, and analysis to make choices” is a necessary skill for everyday lives.³
• Ownership benefits us in all aspects of life, including leadership in business, “The authenticity, integrity, and safety built through owning a mistake and then addressing solutions catalyzes trust.”⁴

How to apply Ownership

Ownership has three stages: awareness, acceptance, and action.

1.) Awareness:

Recognize emotions. 

Anger, frustration, disappointment, annoyance, and sadness are signals that you are in a challenging space. Often considered “bad,” these emotions are just cues telling you that something isn’t sitting well with you. To better identify your feelings, call them out by name, “I feel frustrated.”

Next, take a deep breath. 

Controlled breathing is a simple way to move you from the sympathetic nervous system to the parasympathetic state. In other words, a slow, steady breath can take you out of fight, flight, or freeze mode. Rarely does anything good happen when we take action during these states of mind. The more we distance ourselves from an emotionally engaged disposition, the better our judgment is. This is critical before going to the next stage. 

Now we are ready to recognize the facts of the situation, noting only the things known to be true. The facts, not the feelings. It’s helpful to write these down to be objectively reviewed and assessed. There are three criteria for truths. They must be concise, factual, and from multiple perspectives. Here is an example list of facts:

• I invited her to the party.
• She said she’d come.
• She didn’t come.
• I don’t know why she didn’t come.
• She didn’t reach out to me to tell me she wasn’t coming after accepting the invitation. 
• I wondered about it most of the night, which made me not enjoy the party very much.
• When I saw her at work on Monday, she didn’t mention anything.

Notice that the list of truths above didn’t include speculation or emotion. Here are a few examples that would be tempting to be on the list, but are speculative, therefore, not truths:

• She probably doesn’t like me.
• I bet she went out with our other friend.
• I’m so hurt and disappointed.  
• This will ruin the work project that we are working on together.
• It was rude of her to say she was coming and then not come.

The speculative list includes the types of thoughts that replay through our minds, spin us out of emotional control, and often lead us to do things we later regret. These also waste our precious time, energy, and mental space. It’s natural to feel the emotions related to these thoughts. However, they are counterproductive when trying to get through a challenging situation.

2.) Acceptance:

The second stage is straightforward yet critical. It is the act of reviewing the list of truths, ensuring they are all facts, and accepting them as truths.

Simply review the list and say, “I accept these as truths.”

Validating the truths listed in the Awareness stage helps confirm that these are known to be true. These facts are the only thing you should base your actions on.

3.) Action:

Last, is determining and taking action. Based on the truths, think through or write down the possible actions that you could take.

I could:

• Ask her why she didn’t come.
• Ask another coworker if he knows why she didn’t come.
• Say nothing and try not to let my disappointment interfere with our work.

The first option is the most productive and straightforward. But it’s also the most difficult because it’s hard to control our emotions and confront another person when they have hurt us. 

Stepping back from our emotions lets us be sincere and calm when saying, “I missed you at the party Saturday night. I thought I would see you there.”

A few notes as you work to apply Ownership:

• It takes courage to take action on the truths. And courage can be brutal. The best way to infuse Ownership into our lives is to practice with the more trivial issues that arise each day. Once we can easily apply Ownership to the more minor life challenges, our courage builds. Then, we can more skillfully apply Ownership to more complex issues.
• All of these stages may seem like a lot of effort and time. However, we don’t often realize the time and energy spent brooding, replaying, and sometimes gossiping about issues. A 10-15 minute run-through of the three A’s of Ownership is likely much smaller time and energy spent  in the long run. Also, the more you do it, the faster you will get at it. 
• Consider working through Ownership with a therapist if your topic is heavy and triggering. Before tackling a complicated issue, you may want to practice the three steps of Ownership on more minor matters. 

Sources

1. “Why Is Critical Thinking Important? A Survival Guide.” University of the People. https://www.uopeople.edu/blog/why-is-critical-thinking-important/#:~:text=Enhances%20Problem%20Solving%20Skills&text=Critical%20thinkers’%20enhanced%20problem%2Dsolving,to%20literally%20change%20the%20world. Accessed 1 July 2022.

2. Butler, H. A., Pentoney, C., & Bong, M. (2017, in press).  “Predicting real-world outcomes: Critical thinking is a better predictor of life decisions than intelligence.”  

3. The State of Critical Thinking 2018. Reboot Foundation, November 2018. 

4. “Owning Your Mistakes: Why It Is a Mark of Leadership.” The Glass Hammer. February 2020 https://theglasshammer.com/2020/02/why-owning-a-mistake-is-a-mark-of-leadership.  Accessed 1 July 2022.